First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
