also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Randomize
