marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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