She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
