I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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