You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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