I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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