"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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