I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
