"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Walk of Shame today included voting.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize