He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I love you.
Bad choice
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
