I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
