TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
