On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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