honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Randomize
