My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
