3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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