i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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