Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
