Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
