No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
