So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
