maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
sarcasm needs its own font
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Randomize
