Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
