Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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