I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
