I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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