It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
