Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
