you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
