did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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