All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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