So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
