mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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