Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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