peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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