my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
