I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
