I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
