I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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