He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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