Just mADE A PArabola og urine
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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