Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
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