I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize