ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
