Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
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