rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
