This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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