just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
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