we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
