My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I can't turn off my feet"
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
