just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
