I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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