Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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