my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
