I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just forgot I was standing up.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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